hjkhk

to think, i got some of these kids high for their first time...back in the day. saw their first kisses. aw.  And now, they get me high so I can super stealth mode it into my house and take a nap without being noticed. 

buttery ass? i can't stop saying it. and fuuuucked. And I wonder why guys don't find me attractive..

the future freaks me out

I went to shoot for Legacy today and I am now going through all 933 pictures I shot and my lighting is improving. For the record, today I ate a sandwich, not a salad. Looks can be deceiving loves.

Mimi was amazing on Saturday and I am so fucking sore from dancing for four hours straight. sober. well, sorry, I lied, I had 3 sips of beer.  I want to go back...

I'm excited for Saturday, 4 the massive/rob t's birthday.

I will be alone all week, Mimi is leaving me on Wednesday and Vinny is home on Spring Break along with anyone else I might want to play with this week. I'm glad I have Rex. And Rob T. ha (:

I am so afraid of April 27th. I keep shaking. 

:/

So I have been in this downward spiral the past few weeks where I have been drinking or doing drugs every night. One part of me thinks it's me trying to get the college experience that I don't get at Brooks, but the other part thinks that I'm making excuses for myself. My panic attacks have gotten worse and more frequent, but I guess it's good that I'm showing my emotions outwards rather than holding it all in and ending up having to go to the hospital for "unexplained abdominal pain" which, buy the way happened last Monday. I have some sweet track marks. 

I have been awake for 48 hours, due to the fact that my roomate/bff's computer got stolen out of our house and nothing else and I know how much her computer meant to her, as weird as that sounds? It has her life...so ghive it back before i come and find you myself. Also on Friday I impulsively bought a ticket to How Sweet because I missed Omahr and Dylan. Such a good night, but I am still unable to sleep for obvious reasons. Well, obvious if you know me. Secrettt

Even though my anxiety has heightened and I am in a downward spiral I feel like I am more confident and secure with myself than I ever have been. I'm being honest with myself about some of my "habits" and forcing myself to face them and admit to them. I am not proud of a lot of the things I have done/continue to do, but if it comes up I will speak on it, honestly. For the most part.  But that could also be due to the fact that I will be MIA more than usual from SB starting April 27th and therefore dgaf on life, in every way. 

now you're all gone.

So I keep getting these notes posted up and down my street, on walls, on a bamboo stick with some plywood and a plastic bag taped to the top., about how my dog shits. well, my dog's shit is just bigger than everyone elses dog's. okay. BRAH. And for the record I only haven't picked it up twice since he's lived here. But we decided that we are going to put my dogs shit in the plastic bag on the bamboo stick with a note that vinny so kindly wrote for me:

" BLUE FELT PEN ENTHUSIAST, MY DOG'S SHIT WILL REMAIN WHEREVER IT HAPPENS TO LAND. GOT BEEF? DIAL 1-800-SUCK-MY-BALLS. LAST WARNING!"

I love my dog. only thing that is keeping me going. I need mimi's phat beats right now. and a hug. I had the worst panic attack today at work, i've never had one that bad before. I sat in my car for an hour crying after i puked and i couldn't move. I listed to "anthems for a 17 year old girl" on repeat for...that long. And my boss is awesome for letting me sit for that long on the clock.  I'm so glad I'm not going to school right now. 

I miss my daddy. 

and in other news in the past 4 weeks I have gone from a size 29 pant size to 26 from sitting on my ass  (: Now if I could only get my dad to kick down $200 for some new pants...

so my therapist just told me to go to the store and buy food cause i should start eating. I ended up buying 60 beer pong cups and a bone for my dog. and cosmo. but hey, at least I went to the store. baby steps.

EDIT: I just found out that the crazy lady that spies on my dog pooping has cameras outside her house and just lurks all day. FML. 

I've done some thunking...

I really don't care about keeping my medical issues or double life a "secret' I mean I'm only 20 fuckin' years old and I have the maturity of a 7th grade boy. So here goes nothin...and I'm so glad Mimi only reads this so old news.

I found out a few week ago I have ADD. Which is just another to add to the list (chronic pancreatitis, diabetes, ovarian cysts, Seevers disease IBS along with all the anxiety I have been treated for the past few months) I'm getting a second opinion in a few weeks, but I did decide that if I were to get meds for it it'd sell it on the streets of IV. It's weird because I always though that depression, anxiety issues and ADD were personality traits. Cause I've been treated for all and I never feel like me. So I just use that. and I'll hand out the prozac after a rave (: And moving on...

Mimi and I went to HArd 13 tonight, which is why I am still awake and she is not. I really admire her for being to stand for 10 hours watching play music and be the happiest person....sober. But anyways., so fuckin' fun...i'll have some pics soon I think 

and in other news, why do boys always think you must be super gnarly attracted if you bone or anything remotely close like that? then they keep giving you the speech how they dont want to date you, for the third tine, but I mean when you also tell him "I DONT WANT TO DATE YOU EITHER, ESPECIALLY IF I'M LEAVING IN 6 WEEKS." and I'm pretty sure I don't drunk dial. or initiate anything. dood. Who's attached now (:

and mimi is the best person I have ever mat. I have never met anyone that sacrifices so much for anyone, and doesn't complain when i candyflip a little too hard. I never give her as much back but she is my best friend. along with erin and vinny of course. and the weekend crew. But I got sidetracked again. She drove me home at 4am cause my dog. MY DOG. hadn't used the bathroom in 11 hours. <33

wasted wednesday was a success.

to say the least. I went to work drunk this morning, which was pretty fun. And have missed out on the past 12 hours of my life.

....But lightsabor wars are so fuckin' fun. 

I need to yell.

dfjawedjflkads

teed tuesdays.

i'm shweepy.

why does plan b cost 4358927345897234985 dollars.

FML.

where your head at.

So on Saturday I went to this house party in Pasadena to see Jason spin. It was fun and some of the kids were so good, well from what I could tell. I don't know shit about shit. But I went to my car to get my dog out to pee and he wouldn't get back in, so I had no choice but to take him to rage. I was outside cause I didn't know if I'd get slaughtered for bringing a dog inside of the party, and Rex was spitting game for me, then this one kid tells me to bring him in. I said no cause I didn't know who lives there and he said he did so rex came into rage, but everyone was pretty t'd and kept tripping over him cause you could already barely move inside the house...drove back to Laguna after that with Mimi and Ryan.

On Sunday I went to SD with the Legacy boys and saw my images in poster size with creds on the bottom that are going to be hung up at LS&S and some other skate shop. daaaank.  Same "visual danks" from yesterday...

after...

I'm surprised it took us as long as it did to get kicked out of the Hilton...

love of my life. he likes his pillow. 

I decided to see if Ray's would sell to me, and they did ! I am 21 in the west side.

So I wake up this morning to find the aftermath of my house which includes a burn in my hardwood floors shaped like a hookah coal. Thanks Zach. My old neighbor came over last night too, and i'd never hung out with him before, we would just say hi in the drive way. I really wish I made more of an effort to meet these kids instead of waiting six months.  

Today is mine and Erin's 3 year anniversary. She's going to fuck me so hard I won't be able to walk for a week. Looooove it.

Also it's my 2 year anniversary with having diabetes ! I feel like it's flown by, but at the same time..its only been two years. are you serious? But since I have been on insulin for the past few weeks I have lost a lot of weight, and I currently have one par of pants that fit out of the 11 I own. I like how I can drop that much weight by sitting on my ass..but at least my metabolism that I had before this whole ordeal happened finally kicked in. Oh well, at least I have one pair of pants. All you need (:

I'm excited to see Jason spin tonight, shall be fun, then back to the OC to shoot for the skateboard riders againn

I always seem to shake.

So as of late I have had two ads made, with a third on the the way. Apparently the third one is the purps and is coming with the video, so I was told  not to put it up yet. haha yesss. but such a good day. Not that I remember it. At all. And shooting again for them on Sunday (: 

exhibit A of my double life. so fun...

    

ROB T! I think we have to do this at every photo booth now. 

But in other news, I fucked up last night. way hard. At least Rex is here.

...

please put your worry on the shelf

please put your tongue in my mouth.

rex

Today Rex turned 9. Mimi got him dinosaur party hats and I took him to Petco to pick out a present. Then I told the cashier it was his birthday and we got a discount hahaha. I love Petco. And we had a pizza party. 

I go back to work tomorrow for the first time in 5 weeks. I'm happy to be making money again and to have time for Rex, and to breathe. 

I got my 3rd phone in one week yesterday. I love Erin. 

I can't get over how good this weekend was...

well, shit

that was fun...a  nice start to my 2-7 month absence from school. Mimi was sooooo fucking good on Friday. And last night...I still have my thizz face on.

Just call me Pharmacy de Meghan.