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As much as I feel stupid doing this whole blog thing, It really helps me vent in some sort of way. I'm thinking of being a typical girl and starting a real journal, and I really think I will. But on the other hand, I have nothing to hide and the fact that people might come across this incredibly boring blog is kind of cool.

status : barred. Notice change in post when I am not ADD-ing

I will always need xanax, but my new doctor (whom I love, I haven't loved any of my doctors this much, she's awesome) is trying to put me on a new anti anxiety medication which I am open to, but on the other hand I will always have performance anxiety and diabetes and each make the other worse, so I would like to have it as a back up, but for ADD purposes I'll give this new stuff a shot. I shouldn't have to go through physical with drawls. I never realized how large of a part performance anxiety has played in my life, and xanax is the one thing I have found that has helped me in all aspects of my life. I don't feel like it makes me a different person, but it does help me bring who I really am to the table. I'd rather have help with a mind altering drug than stay in my hole my entire life. People argue that you shouldn't take that stuff, but I also believe it is prescribed for a reason. Please don't judge me for this, I have a past I would rather not talk about and I have seen a dramatic change in myself since it has been prescribed. I wouldn't have gotten my internship, made friends, or be able to be brutally honest with people, basically it has helped me bring my inner self out, a side of me I have always wanted to share with the world but had always been too afraid. I guess I have had this anxiety since around the age of nine and figuring out that it has caused so many trips to the hospital was nice. It was nice to have fucking answers for a change.

Speaking of, I have been doing research online about Pancreatitis. There is not a lot know about this disease (I have been told it is the most painful gasteroneorlogical disease out there) and no treatment besides starving yourself for 5-7 days until it cools off/ stops digesting itself. I have decided to stop drinking for a few years with the exception of my birthday and probably a few beers here and there but not how I used to. At all. Because 6 doctors have told me I have had the worst case they have ever seen, I have been looking into seeing if I can find a doctor who would be willing to study me in a sense, because It was rare to have it starting at 14, to last this long, and have diabetes because of it. After some reading, studies on this are hard to find because it's so rare, I found that since my first attack I probably will only live to be alot 45-50. I am fine with that, I would just really like to help other people that are cursed with this and I know for sure I will have my body donated when I do die, but I want to do something while I am still alive, considering I can't donate a kidney or part of my liver to save someone else. Which is why I am going to start contacting Doctors to see if they are interesting in helping me out, for the sake of science. I am willing to be a guiennea pig if it could potentially save others.

The other night I talked to an aquaintence of mine who has been through a lot of shit as well. It's amazing on how much shit like this happening to you changes you so much. I don't feel like I know anymore about life than the next person, but I guess there's a special sort of bond when you've been through things like this, especially at a young age, like we are. We have a different outlook on life than a lot of people (and I am in no way saying I am better or more knowledgeable about life or more righteous) and basically it was nice having someone who relates.

I'm glad I'm sick. I would never wish it upon anyone, but it has made me who I am today and I may not be the most intelligent person in the world, or at all but I do have my priorities straight. Nothing for granted.

that's it, that's all.