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I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have had ugly friend syndrome for my entire like (you know, where out of all your friends, you're the ugliest and by default never get the opposite sexes attention unless your friend has turned them down, basically second choice, or second best) and now that I am on my own and have no one to be compared to I no longer thought this would be an issue. I am not saying I would like a boy friend or anything, but for the first time in my life I think I am ready. I am no longer living with 9 guys and getting more male attention than most girls. Even if it was not in a sexual way, it still made me have no desire to have a boyfriend or be committed to someone because I was always told how much I was loved and appreciated and could hang out with the guys and the need for love and attention from a male my age was never needed, I came home to it every night all through high school, and in college. Now I have moved and think I am grown enough to be in a committed relationship, nothing too serious, even an open relationship. I no longer have 9 unintentional cock-blocks with me at all times. I don't have daddy issues or anything like that but I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me, or at least like an explanation as to why I am not good enough. Sure I have high standards, but really? Do I smell? Do I look like a man? Do I come off as clingy? I can see how I would, but considering no one here knows me that well, I tend to kick into "mommy Meghan" mode if someone is sick or injured or just baked and wants a pizza and potstickers. I'm just a nice person, and if I offer to help someone pay for something, or kick them down lunch that must mean I'M TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU and not just a nice person. Don't flatter yourself, if the guy in front of me at the grocery store is a few bucks short i kick it down to him as well, you are not special. And because of that I get used and walked on and come off as desperate or needy. I am not. fuck. I don't want to be with you every second of every day. I want you to go have fun with your friends. Go to strip clubs. Go on snowboard/skate trips. I want to be second to your passion. And for the first time ever, I really think I was led on, and it was not being built up in my head, like I have done in the past. It could be karma for everything I have done to guys with my so called 'penis mentality' but really? Don't complain to me about being played if you're the one playing people. I was not clingy. I was not needy. I just wanted a friend, which I still want. I understand I'm not the prettiest person alive, or the most interesting, and don't have the best past. I just wish everyone could be honest when it comes to this kind of stuff. We're too old to be playing games. I feel like a whiny bitch, this was(n't) directed to anyone in particular, I just need to get it off my chest. fuck.

and even though posting this on a blog makes me look like a psychotic bitch, I realize it does, therefore I am not.

steez machine <3