hdskfhkaw

so, I got fired today. I would like my season pass back, I have no idea what will motivate me to get up in the morning if I don't have it. Getting fired was a long time coming, and I hate to dissipoint my dad, but maybe this is good for me. Push me a little bit to either be typical, get a safe job, and make money or jump off a fucking cliff. Career wise. I prefer the cliff. I am so thankful for my father and his patience for me, I would be completely and utterly fucked if it wern't for him and I deserve every lecture that comes out of his mouth, but I have always been that kid. The fuck up. The slow one. The one that 'makes their own way.' Maybe I value street smarts over book smarts, and I look dumb most of the time but I can charm the shit out of anyone which I think is more valuable than doing things 'safely' with a nice resume and a degree.  Or maybe it's the sense of urgency I have had since I was younger to get stuff done, move on, and do stuff for myself, but whatever it is it has gotten me here, for a reason. I hope. It will work out, it always does.

This may look like I self sabotaged myself, again, but I really think I need to find my own way and have always had my own way of doing everything, and it has never been safe, but then again I have always been saved, financially. But I really think I just have to figure my shit out on my own, and that means doing everything for myself, without relying on others or having a job that relates to what I want to do. Even if that makes no sense, but It was getting draining...And it made me not want to take photos.

 I just want to snowboard. Be a dirty park rat. And mooch.

Live, Laugh, DGAF.

Oh and my spit glad is infected. Diabetes, oh how I love thee. 

ewfrsd

dates are cockblocks.

tonight was fun (:

     I want my camera back. k thanks.


I have to play snowboards tomorrow. None of this sleeping until four business.

ew, a quote

If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives, jobs. And maybe your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery, isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance. Of how much you really want to do it. And you'll do it, despite rejection in the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods. And the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is. -Charles Bukowski

i got this.

over the hill.

made it. officially more than half way done with this life of mine. kind of happy I made it, didn't think it would happen. Novelty has not yet wore off, and it has caused an uprise in my dilaudid intake but a decline in everything else. I think this is good.

Grand Prix made me so happy last night. No where else I would have rather been. Thank you Greg for hooking the 'industry' pass.

This is the first week in SLC I haven't felt alone, and felt the need to get away from everyone. I like it, and I hope I didn't just jinx it.

rant

okay, so. You are not better than anyone else because you do or don't do something. FUCK.

Kevin died in his sleep. Who cares what it was from? He was a successful individual with a big heart. Don't say you wish you would have spent more time with him and all that bull shit, because if you wanted to, you would have. We're all human and each one of us does that, say we wish we hung out with someone more when really we don't give a fuck. You are no exception. We all do it. I find it interesting it crossed my mind to IM Kevin last week, but didn't and I don't regret it. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I miss the kid, but I haven;t talked to him in about a year, he took me to my first college party, introduced me to kids that were not in my class so I wasn't stuck with the same people I spent my days in class with, taught me how to take a shot with a lime/salt chaser thing. I am happy to have known him and to me it doesn't matter how he died, as long as he was happy. Don't make judgements because no one knows what happened. It's unfortunate, no matter how he died but don't think you're better than him because you've never touched a drug, because maybe he hadn't either. Because Kevin is dead does not mean he did not have a sense of humor, the kid had all those missing children flyers hanging up as wallpaper in his house, and a coffin in his garage. Just because he was quiet does not mean he couldn't take a joke or didn't like to have a good time. The fact is that he is missed and didn't deserve to go, just like everyone else who has died. His family misses him, think of them rather than passing judgements just because he died suddenly at a young age. Who cares what Kevin did with his life? He lived it how he saw fit and was very successful at a young age and no one has the right to tell him he lived it right or not. I just hope he had a bitchin' time this weekend, whatever he was doing, and never regretted anything he did. He was a nice person who introduced me to a lot of people, and had the balls to knock on my door and invite me and my roomates out with him because we had just moved to a new city and didn't have any friends. I know I would be too scared to knock on a door of someone I've only said hi to and invite them out to help them out, with no intent of personal gain.

Kev, I enjoyed being your neighbor, talking around a hookah, getting the cops called, my first shot of patron, meeting Ricky who was also a Snowboarder intern, my first college party, and my first natty light. Thank you for inviting me out that night to live the normal life of a college student when I was stuck in a house with boyfriend-obsessed, homesick teenage girls. I will never forget your kindness that night, staying sober to make sure we got back home okay, and letting me borrow your shit when I couldn't find mine. Seeing you around school always made me excited, even if we did share a drive way for two years. Always loved the missing children wallpaper, and I hope you died peacefully and were happy with everything you accomplished in life. Rest in peace my friend.

fin.

fdvasdc

finally going back on xanax tomorrow. fuck you klonopin. you may make me relaxed, and nod off, but you make me really awkward and an emotional wreck. I tried. DONE. yay for emergency supplies and my doctor being the most understanding lady ever.

you're gay surgay tomorrow. or as my brother's text auto correct says it. I have to be at the fucking hospital at 6. mer.

once again, yay for emergency bars. sleep will be nice. for the first time in 48 hours.

I hope this fucking works. So not down for being paralyzed.

glad my daddy is here.

so excited for Molly to come next week :D

Ugg

So I'm at the hospital aaon with possible appendicits (hi KP!) the day before my pancreatitis surgery. I moved here to live, not to die...so fucking frustrated with my pathetic excuse for a digestive system.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

fdcbzdfcx

today I was told that you make all of your closest friends while you're growing up and in college.

this explains everything.

and it's fucking depressing.

Mmmyah

Dear in the closet male nurse: just becase you are jealous of my incredible will power not to drink an my girlish figure due to my ailment does not mean you can look into my history of substance abuse. You are an ass and you will never have a DD as good as myself. Love, your favorite acute on chronic pancreatitis patient, me.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

hjhk

maybe I don't wanna finish anything, anymore.

fdgzdf

making special brownies for my boss is now in my job description.

I think whoever suggested I have my own reality TV show was right.

This butter is taking for.ev.er.

I'll be working 12 hour days for the next two days, editing close to three hundred photos into various backgrounds from some event in provo. paris. egypt. mexico. and two others. so fun haha.

Daddy comes on Thursday to drive me to my surgery. (:

cxzDC

my goal in life has changed. Not completely, but I am fairly determined. At least for now.

Today when I was in the hospital I was trying to think which is better. I mean they say you have everything if you have health. But what if you do have your health, but don't have your 'everything' to share with anyone? Is it better to be sick with shitty doctors but surrounded by friends and family? I really don't know.

I need a new snowboard. Attempting to save up by being a work-a-holic for the next few weeks.

I'm happy The ER doctor put me back on Xanax until I see my doctor about being completely back on Xanax, I gave Klonopin a try, but it makes me so emotionial, I nod off, and am silent and make  myself feel uncomfortable in situations that don't really matter.

I've been getting the I'm not wanted vibe a lot lately, but I can take a hint.

Usually my new years resolution is to not have a resolution, but lately I have been randomly telling people how I admire them and how they are appreciated. This might come off as creepy or clingy, but life is too short to let that get in the way. So if you get some random thing telling you how much you mean to me and all that bullshit...it's just what I've been doing lately. So I guess my resolution is to not be so reserved when it comes to telling others how I feel about them. LAAAME. But okay.

Please, someone, jump over me on a board so I can take your picture.

Or not. That's okay too.

night <3

nmlk/j/lk

i party through LA now baby what chu gotta say.

I miss LA so much sometimes.

gahh

dsvzxc

ew. ow. ow ow ow.

no more.