waiting

for djdj dylan to tell me i can go tonight. Don't think it's gonna happen but I'm ready anyways. I just want to be in his black eyes.

I'm bored. I might want a...job? hmm.

Omahr said Club Bounce will throw me a birthday party. Let's do this.

I like that video ^^

I'm full

I have ADD and will be medicated tomorrow.

I'm tired.

i can wait one more hour.

I want my raver kid glasses back. They should fix themselves.

jdfkgljzdfk

Okay so, don't tell me how to treat someone else who is sick. I have been really sick for the last 6 years of my life and I know I hate to be tip toed around and felt sorry for. Don't make me feel like shit because I am trying to make light of the situation. Chances are they could use a break from you feeling sorry for them. I downplay my disease(s) a lot because I don't want to be felt sorry for and I hate having a room go silent after telling the truth. I'd rather everyone be oblivious to my situation than to let on to what;s really going on. Yes, I get he was very sick this summer, but he was also my best friend for a good chunk of my life and that is what we bonded over, being sick. Unless he has become an attention whore and wants you guys to feel sorry for him and is not the kid I used to know then go at it. eat meeeee !

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my stomach started to hurt again today, so I haven't done anything but kinda walk Rex twice. And eat pain meds.

I like laffy taffy. and Mucho Mango.

Super content right now. I'm excited for Mimi to come.

I'm thinking about shooting strictly in film this season. I need to find people that want glamour shots by Meghan, while on shred sticks, but until then I just want to use film if people let me tag along. Wow I look and assume way too far into the future. No expectations starting riiiight NEOW.

I really like it here. I'm glad Rex is here. I miss MacK though.

I really need to make this work, I am afraid of failure and success. No more self sabotage. I hope.

I broke my glasses, therefore I am blind. And somehow need to get them fixed soon so I can have my second set of eyes.

I hope I'm not annoying, I know it's annoying to think you're annoying though.

It's hard for me to not be overly nice and get taken advantage of. I am just being myself, but myself comes off as overly desperate, weather it be for friends or attention from the opposite sex. I'm just nice. Don't walk on me. I've gotten better, but when it comes down to it, I will pick you up at the bar in the middle of the night even if you just want to go home, because I hate being anywhere and just wanting to go home. Worst feeling. Doesn't matter if I've known you for 20 years or two days. k? k.

:D

kljlk

it snowed today! Rex was really excited!

I'm finally eating again after my Pancreatitis attack.

It's cold and my landlordess' husband is putting stuff in my house so I am at the coffee place, and freezing.

Hondo fixed my bindings today, I have been snowboarding pigeon toed for a few years on my retro Ride board.

Looked at goggles.

Took some pictures in the cemetery, now I think I'm gonna go home. Hopefully they're done.

itch itch itch itch make me rich.

so itchy. benedryl is not helping. I'm still so glad I can stay at home and treat this. I love Rex he makes everything better. k I'll quit my bitching. all this stuff is giving me the weirdest dreams. mer.

help I'm alive

scratch that last post. or not. I'm gonna keep it cause I kind of like looking back on these things after a year. my xanga was the shit, because it was like a journal I kept when I was dying, and people liked it. And I liked looking back on it. I just don't think I can anymore, i'll try.

So I'm going to pretend like I'm a dying 16 year old again, and continue on.

My Pancreatitis has returned after 4 years. Basically that means my body is digesting itself. Right now, I should be in the hospital, by myself, in a city where my only friend is gone for a month. I refused to be admitted the other night because I do not want to leave my dog alone or impose that on my neighbors, whose phone numbers I did not have at the time. When I returned my neighbor, who I had only hung out with once has let my dog out and fed him. I guess it doesn't hurt that she has also been cursed with this disease and knows the all the pain that comes along with it. But I have had about 14-17 attacks and know what to do, so I requested the doctor write me perscriptions for everything and I have been following up by going to get blood work done to check my enzyme levels. Thank God I still have insurance for three more weeks. Kind of fucked after that, but not. The doctor I started seeing here is getting my history from every doctor I've ever seen and has agreed to refill everything for me, from my insulin to my xanax, and if I have another attack help me out with that so I won't have to go to the hospital uninsured. Sure, I'll still have to pay for her visits, but that's 4 doctors in one. I just have to sign a paper stating I won't 'doctor shop' for my class two medications. Not a problem. I can't drink for a very very long time, I waited 6 weeks after my last attack, but this attack was from drinking, so I think I'm going to take 2 years off again, with the exception of My 21st, and my good friends' birthdays. Just don't take advantage of me and have me DD you, because there are other ways to get fucked up.

Back to happy :D

I went to Jump on it last night and it was really fun ! Most fun I've had since I've been here. even though I kind of just sat, considering I was doped up on legal heroin. (I know have a spectrum of pain medication, one of them being dilaudid)And I really shouldn't have gone, but it was worth it (:

Mimi comes in two weeks! I think we're going to drive to Jackson Hole to see Big John then back here and find a place to go tubing.

I got my Nick Mullins T today. You don't wanna fight me, in my ex. tra. small. black. t.

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I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have had ugly friend syndrome for my entire like (you know, where out of all your friends, you're the ugliest and by default never get the opposite sexes attention unless your friend has turned them down, basically second choice, or second best) and now that I am on my own and have no one to be compared to I no longer thought this would be an issue. I am not saying I would like a boy friend or anything, but for the first time in my life I think I am ready. I am no longer living with 9 guys and getting more male attention than most girls. Even if it was not in a sexual way, it still made me have no desire to have a boyfriend or be committed to someone because I was always told how much I was loved and appreciated and could hang out with the guys and the need for love and attention from a male my age was never needed, I came home to it every night all through high school, and in college. Now I have moved and think I am grown enough to be in a committed relationship, nothing too serious, even an open relationship. I no longer have 9 unintentional cock-blocks with me at all times. I don't have daddy issues or anything like that but I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me, or at least like an explanation as to why I am not good enough. Sure I have high standards, but really? Do I smell? Do I look like a man? Do I come off as clingy? I can see how I would, but considering no one here knows me that well, I tend to kick into "mommy Meghan" mode if someone is sick or injured or just baked and wants a pizza and potstickers. I'm just a nice person, and if I offer to help someone pay for something, or kick them down lunch that must mean I'M TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU and not just a nice person. Don't flatter yourself, if the guy in front of me at the grocery store is a few bucks short i kick it down to him as well, you are not special. And because of that I get used and walked on and come off as desperate or needy. I am not. fuck. I don't want to be with you every second of every day. I want you to go have fun with your friends. Go to strip clubs. Go on snowboard/skate trips. I want to be second to your passion. And for the first time ever, I really think I was led on, and it was not being built up in my head, like I have done in the past. It could be karma for everything I have done to guys with my so called 'penis mentality' but really? Don't complain to me about being played if you're the one playing people. I was not clingy. I was not needy. I just wanted a friend, which I still want. I understand I'm not the prettiest person alive, or the most interesting, and don't have the best past. I just wish everyone could be honest when it comes to this kind of stuff. We're too old to be playing games. I feel like a whiny bitch, this was(n't) directed to anyone in particular, I just need to get it off my chest. fuck.

and even though posting this on a blog makes me look like a psychotic bitch, I realize it does, therefore I am not.

steez machine <3

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if my life is mine what shouldn't I do
i get wherever I'm going, I get whatever I need


...help i'm alive.

brave new world.

jkjkl

So I'm moved. I just don't have internet or TV, or friends so the highlight of my days has been walking my dog. I don't want to be too pushy when it comes to the friend thing. I can wait. For now I'll just pretend to have fun all by myself :D. I want it to snow already, I want a friend or a something more, but I am no more lonely here than I was in Laguna so i have broken even, and I realllllly like it here.

HARD was awesome. So much better than I thought it would be. I miss Mimi and Omahr so much. And my broder. But I am excited to be living here by myself and slowly figuring out the benefits of living alone...
you can cook naked
drink out of the milk/juice/everything carton
pee with the door open
leave the dishes in the sink for as long as you want
make messes
but mostly cooking in my underwear is fun.

k I have to pee. and go home. and get hella hyphy. and hang out with the 7-11 dude.