dfvmsdc

i feel like dying.

this weekend was the most fun I have had in forever.

I learned I will die by the time I'm 40. I'm okay with this.

mer

Hdtgknb

Going to escape one last time before diving into the real world of all work and no play. At least no play compared to this.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

drained

over it. over Utah for now, but i don't want to go home. I need a change, and a big life changing one. I know I say this every week, but fuck. I need to experience something I've never experienced before. I thought moving here would do it, or satistisfy me in that way, and it has, and I know I need to give it more time but I'm becoming impatient. I've done it all, except for one major thing most people my age have been through, but for some reason I still don't think I'd want that. I'm dying, I've experimented with everything under the sun, seen everything I've wanted to see, met way too many amazing people, but something's missing. Wow, I have a vadge. Maybe it's just friends I need to share stuff or life with, or it could just be a single person. I don't fucking know anymore.

But, in other news, I am so happy Mimi is here, Wu Thanksgiving was awesome, and my memory from the other night is slowly coming back to me, Thank you Hondo and Terence, even though you don't read this.

I went tubing today with Mimi for opening day, so much fun! I want to go again. Even though I swore off raves, I have also sworn off swearing things off so Mimi and I are going to go to Dreamland 4, for studying purposes of all shapes and sizes. DJ studying, scientific studies...I mean I want to see what it's like here, out of curiosity. I think it will make me feel better and a little less LA/Omahr sick. And what better person to go with than MEEEEEMS. We went to EDC 2008 together, just us, no one to meet up with, and it is still, to this day, the best night of my life. Round 2 perhaps? But with shitty music? yeee.

fdgdfsv

went to work last night really fucked up. on accident. but studies show I take more photos while legally on the strongest painkiller and xanax. or it could have been cause my hair was down. There were a few groups of people that wouldn't take a photo unless I was in one with them. (:

The sound guy that took me to find my debit card also let me meet the team cause we were on the court. I liked it because it was like being around 15 Vinny's. Too bad the Jazz are not the Lakers. But anyways I got my hello kitty card back, I mean, who would want to steal that anyways? Only I can pull that one off.

I hate basketball, still. But I really like my job. Basically getting paid to be my obnoxious self.

My only friend at work has never skied or snowboarded. I don't know why we're friends. Oh and I made friends with the snocone kid. Good call on my part...He gets free photos, I get free snocones. I got the better end of the deal.

I. Like. This.

erfwesds

why can't everyone just be nice? All you prove when you don't answer someone is that you're an asshole. I really don't see what's so hard about being nice and taking two seconds out of your life to be neutral. Don't be TC. I didn't do anything but be nice to you. Doesn't mean I want to be your friend or anything, I was just being nice. K I'm done.

I'm over trying to play hard to get when it comes to anything. I'm nice, and I'll be honest. Just ask the right questions.

mer

dilaudid, 15 dollars. hospital stay 1,000 dollars. cab ride home, 10 dollars. Going to work on legal heroin: priceless.

So I guess my 'case' is going to be presented and someone is going to hopefully study me. Because who wants to insure a 20 year old diabetic with chronic pancreatitis and an all around shitty digestive system? They also told me I have a huge case against the creators of Accutane and 6 of my previous doctors. I'm torn, even though they were in the wrong I don't want to start shit, even if it can win me millions of dollars. Or at least cover my health care forever, which is millions of dollars. Maybe I'll dabble and go see a lawyer about it..

but in all seriousness, fuck you pancreas.

i'm kind of excited for work tonight? getting paid to be obnoxious while looking obnoxious while feeling obnoxious while smelling obnoxious and probably tasting obnoxious is kind of fun. Oh, and I have friends. yee. and maybe they've found my credit card.

I miss my brother<3(s)

fgjklae/df

So I guess my Pancreatitis is getting really bad again. I don't think I'll be able to avoid the feeding tube, but fucking...dare to dream. ha

My Grandma is right, I am going to die like Heath Ledger.

It's weird how one person can influence your life so much, and have no idea they are doing it. Even if you stop talking to that person they are still in the back of your mind, and you are still hoping to please them. You build a relationship with them in your head, to make you feel closer without realizing you're doing it. This makes me sound creepy, but I feel as though we've all done it.

I thought I was over this one kid, but I am not. :/ I'm pretty confident in the fact that I'm not needy or come on too strong though. I might do the opposite and play a little too hard to get and it's been bothering me for a while now, I don't know what to do. There is too much on the line. One day at a time. For everything, because I am currently dying again and I guess don't really have time for 'affairs of the heart' as much as I wish I did. Oh well, I've gotta get through this on my own. So I guess I don't really have time. Pancreatitis saves me from mental stress, but i'd rather be healthy and emo. unless I am happy and emo then I want pancreatitis to give me an excuse and it's easy to be un emo.

and my life be like.

fdsfas

Raver t's, khaki pants that claim size 0 but are definitely size not 0 and way too big, black shoes and a nikon. I've hit rock bottom.

I did however make friends :D May have accidentally done something bad, but self sabotage is more me than anything else. So, I was just being me? And I did attract the sole raver in Utah. I must have a super PLUR vibe or something.

Lost my debit card that that one medication it'd rather not say on this. But basically, I'm so preggers.

I woke up before 1:30 today !

I guess last night wasn't that bad, at all. It's the repercussions I'm looking forward to.

Mimi comes in 4 days ! I'm so excited :D

sdfadsfvdsv

I never thought a cuddle could make me so emo.

Fuck. This. I. Like. This.

First day shooting at the Jazz games, pretty fun. I need to take more photos though. Work on my approach. I think I can do this.

dvfdzxvc

As much as I feel stupid doing this whole blog thing, It really helps me vent in some sort of way. I'm thinking of being a typical girl and starting a real journal, and I really think I will. But on the other hand, I have nothing to hide and the fact that people might come across this incredibly boring blog is kind of cool.

status : barred. Notice change in post when I am not ADD-ing

I will always need xanax, but my new doctor (whom I love, I haven't loved any of my doctors this much, she's awesome) is trying to put me on a new anti anxiety medication which I am open to, but on the other hand I will always have performance anxiety and diabetes and each make the other worse, so I would like to have it as a back up, but for ADD purposes I'll give this new stuff a shot. I shouldn't have to go through physical with drawls. I never realized how large of a part performance anxiety has played in my life, and xanax is the one thing I have found that has helped me in all aspects of my life. I don't feel like it makes me a different person, but it does help me bring who I really am to the table. I'd rather have help with a mind altering drug than stay in my hole my entire life. People argue that you shouldn't take that stuff, but I also believe it is prescribed for a reason. Please don't judge me for this, I have a past I would rather not talk about and I have seen a dramatic change in myself since it has been prescribed. I wouldn't have gotten my internship, made friends, or be able to be brutally honest with people, basically it has helped me bring my inner self out, a side of me I have always wanted to share with the world but had always been too afraid. I guess I have had this anxiety since around the age of nine and figuring out that it has caused so many trips to the hospital was nice. It was nice to have fucking answers for a change.

Speaking of, I have been doing research online about Pancreatitis. There is not a lot know about this disease (I have been told it is the most painful gasteroneorlogical disease out there) and no treatment besides starving yourself for 5-7 days until it cools off/ stops digesting itself. I have decided to stop drinking for a few years with the exception of my birthday and probably a few beers here and there but not how I used to. At all. Because 6 doctors have told me I have had the worst case they have ever seen, I have been looking into seeing if I can find a doctor who would be willing to study me in a sense, because It was rare to have it starting at 14, to last this long, and have diabetes because of it. After some reading, studies on this are hard to find because it's so rare, I found that since my first attack I probably will only live to be alot 45-50. I am fine with that, I would just really like to help other people that are cursed with this and I know for sure I will have my body donated when I do die, but I want to do something while I am still alive, considering I can't donate a kidney or part of my liver to save someone else. Which is why I am going to start contacting Doctors to see if they are interesting in helping me out, for the sake of science. I am willing to be a guiennea pig if it could potentially save others.

The other night I talked to an aquaintence of mine who has been through a lot of shit as well. It's amazing on how much shit like this happening to you changes you so much. I don't feel like I know anymore about life than the next person, but I guess there's a special sort of bond when you've been through things like this, especially at a young age, like we are. We have a different outlook on life than a lot of people (and I am in no way saying I am better or more knowledgeable about life or more righteous) and basically it was nice having someone who relates.

I'm glad I'm sick. I would never wish it upon anyone, but it has made me who I am today and I may not be the most intelligent person in the world, or at all but I do have my priorities straight. Nothing for granted.

that's it, that's all.