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trying to get my new printer set up. I've had five failed test prints, and am hoping the ink is in all wrong, because I don't think it's my profiles or anything. hmm.

I did something weird to my tailbone and I can't snowboard for 1-2 weeks. I want to go back to work, I'm starting to love that job and the people I work around.

I actually have multiple plans for new years, I thought I'd be sitting at home, alone, with no one to kiss. ha. Newp. Only issue is is that I can't go to all three,  I have to pick. And I think I already chose (:

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I really like my new job. I like the Canyons because of the 2 friends I gain on a daily basis, and getting paid to watch people eat shit, and snowboard, and it's pretty much perfect. But I LOVE my new job. I get to sit and listen to music and just edit. Might sound like hell, but I really like it. It's what I pictured myself doing right out of school. Pays pretty damn well too...And Christmas Chronic bonuses are nice too.

I'm excited for New Years (:

to mimi love me

 I function 100% better on xanax or klopan than I do normally. They are used for my ADD which comes from performance anxiety which comes from my lack of mother.
   
I am the reason they put the sleepwalking/driving label on the ambien bottle. I flushed all of them once that happened. By far the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. Tiger, I relate.

It's hard for me to become friends with females. I have no problem with you, or being nice to you...I just don't know how? I make an excellent wing women though.

Because I can't respect my lack of mom I have never been able to have a female boss or authority figure. I got fired three weeks into my only job with one.

I know I'm dying, but it still hasn't hit me yet. I still see myself getting married and traveling the world without anything holding me back. This will never be able to happen, and it's the hardest thing for me to realize.

I don't deserve anything I have in my life. I do however deserve this disease. I deserve to be eaten alive because of everyhting I have gotten away with.

I am sick of leading a quadruple life, but it's the only thing I know.

I have only liked three people in my entire life. One is right now. This might be because I have always been cockblocked by my brother and my friends and his friends and my cousin and his friends, but I wouldn't change it.

I love my brothers more than anything.

You need to quit being stupid.

I'm smarter than I come off, I just act dumb because I'm lazy. Yes, it makes sense.

Everyone thought I was smart in school. I was not. I cheated because I was sick and could get away with it. Just because I'm (was) quiet doesn't mean I think or notice things.

I never tell the entire truth.

I'm still waiting for my life to change.

I felt at home at work today. It was my first day. My 60 year old boss smoked me out as a thank you/Christmas gift. 

I am really am just a nice person

I'm over playing hard to get, I'll still be nice and go out of my way to say hi. But don't think you're special.

I don't care.

I'm sick of people asking me for my number cause they want to date. I want friends. I only like one of you. Or maybe not. I don't care. I just want to snowboard.

I need a friend here. Or a hug. Either works.

our work is never over.

Non Bitching Portion:
     I have an interview today with some fashion photographer, well not interview, I kind of already got the job cause my resume has those six letters lined in the most perfect way possible. Only paid 50g's for that one. So I go in today at 1230. I really like sharp shooters, but our hours are based on our sales and I need a little more stable job than that. I can make both work though. And plus, I am better at reTOUCHING than posing people. The guy said he'd start me out at 9 an hour, then I told him I have a dog to feed. My pay went up. Why can I not control my mouth in situations like that...I should have learned by now.

Now it is time for me to bitch.
    My stomach/pancreas whatever the fuck it is fucking hurts. I am out of my heroins. My General doc can't call in Dilaudid unless she sees me. I can't go to the pain clinic until February 4. My GI doc can't perscribe pain meds, which is why HE made me an appointment with the pain clinic. I am not in the mood for the ER today. I might not have a choice. Ugh. They just lecture me on seeing my doctors but I've fucking told them I can't just see them that day, it takes forever to get an appointment, and I can't function with this pain. Asshole. You're not God, If you took the time to look at my test results you'd see my insides are gone, and I'm in pain, and I am doing something about it. Go to hell. But give me my heroins first. 

Now I'm watching some movie Colby was in :D hahahahaha

hoi;j;il

I went to the doctor today to set up all my appointments. I am getting my nerve block on the 8th, and I will also be seeing a pain specialist. I will be put on a morphine patch or something similar, like a methedone treatment as well. In order to see this doctor you have to be referred, so I feel like I'm apart of some super secret special club haha. It kind of sucks I'm going through all of this without family or friends, I feel like I should have some friends by now, but that's kind of heavy shit to lay on someone you just meet. Even though it's a huge part of my life, I never know how to tell people. Hopefully after all this is set up it won't interfere as much as it has been. I'm only kind of worried about how I tell people when I can't drink, drinking is such a social thing and as stupid as it sounds, most of the friends I have made have been made while under the influence. Note to whoever reads this: I have no problem being your DD. Just don't take advantage of me. Because I can't drink does not mean I don't want to go to a bar or go out or go to a party. I have no problem with alcohol or being around it, my body just does. I would still love to go out or to the bar. Please don't get that confused.

I write this like I have so many readers haha. But I feel like it can't be stressed enough cause I've had that issue in the past.

I am not looking forward to this weekend for a number of reasons. I don't get like this. Mer.

I miss my friends. But I really like it here. I just want to Snowboard while I still can (:

If you don't have haters, you're not doing something right
Looks like I'm doing something right. But with everything that's been going on, it really doesn't matter. I just like to snowboard, but hate the politics of it all. I still want to be a snowboard photographer, but I am done worrying what others think or letting the 'haters' make me feel self concious about what I'm doing. Some may argue I don't want it bad enough, but maybe I don't. I have bigger fish to fry. I'm just here cause I love the sport, not to impress anyone. Live Laugh DGAF.I moved here for me, not for anyone else, and I feel like I keep forgetting that and it gets in the way. Just want to ride for the rest of my short little life (:

I did park the other day for the first time in about five years. I am a walking bruise, but I haven't fallen snowboarding in so long, it felt good. I felt like I was actually trying. I have to quit being a pussy and master the park by the end of the season (:

Really content with everything right now. I want to keep this sense of peace for as long as possible.

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Runts are the cure for Pancreatitis.

Or maybe it was all the vicodin I so gracefully inhaled an hour ago. either/or.

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Hi.

The economy is making my family fall apart. Although I've never had a mom, I never realized how money held my family together. Boo hoo.

I need to get my nerve paralyzed right NEEEOW. I love work. Even with this pain.

Yesterday was the worst day of my life, but it may easily be the best. Only time will tell.

fgsD

Today was the first day I worked alone. I like it! a lot more than I thought I would. I hate portriture, but when people are on vacation and want a picture and seek out you to take it, it's alot better than being annoying in a raver t at the Jazz game. It snowed a lot today, but not really in town, which is good so hopefully I won't have to dig myself out of the snow tomorrow. On the way home Nate's car decided to explode on us, and at the second place we went a van full of mexican mechanics pulled up next to us and fixed it. I now know how to tighten the belt for an alternator. I like living in a place where people don't expec t you to tip them and will stand out in the snow and help you. Wouldn't happen in the real OC, and if it did, i'd be pretty sketched out. Then once we got back on the freeway it decides to break again and stop shifting and we were able to coast all the way back to the SLC ha.

Hospitalll

"so marijuana use but no smoking or drinking. Anything else?"
"everything else."


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

yeeee

http://etherweb.bwh.harvard.edu/pmc/padmin/celiac.html

wha wha what would you do? Yes, like the nickalodeon show.

It would be good, but what if it doesn't work? It works really well for 10% of people, fails misserably for 10% and it pretty good for 80. But what if it works so well I don't feel pain that's not related to my pancreas and say, had another kidney infection or appendicitis? Basically what I learned today is that in the end pancreadic cancer will be my demise, just a matter of time. My doctor lost his voice but somehow managed to gain it back when he stated FROM THIS POINT ON YOU ARE TO NEVER SMOKE OR DRINK AGAIN. I KNOW ITS HARD CAUSE YOU'RE 20, AND HAVE BEEN, AND THOUGHT YOU WERE FINE, BUT IT WILL JUST SPEED THIS THING UP 100%. But I've always been a believer in the 'quality not quantity' way of life. I'll drink on special occasions, meaning my 21st birthday, cause I'm pretty sure that's the only occasion special enough. I'd rather have a lot of fun and live a shorter life, cause I am not giving this beast of a disease to my children so I won't have anything to live for. But for now, my 21st is the only occasion I will be sloshed then it's oduells from there on out..

I love how this blog turned into me whining. here's a photo!

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So I kinda wanted this blog to be about my photography and my journey to achieve my dream and all that bullshit, but I find it better and more useful for venting to the public, to people who are secretly addicted to my blog and negative nancey tendencies. But here are some photos anyway.

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I miss my brother(s). I miss Vinny. I miss Mimi. I miss Omahr. I miss James. And everyone. But I don't want to leave here.

My understanding was the my job was going to be full time. So far, it's not. How is it that I can already have three jobs and have so much free time? I kinda need to try and pay rent by myself for the first time ever !

I got threatened to be fired last night for the 3rd time. Too bad it's against the law to fire someone with a chronic/terminal illness. GUESS WHO HAS ONE! I can have up to 90 payed days of calling in sick. And my lack of photos can be blamed on my health as well, therefore you can't fire me. I just need this job until the 12th so I can get paid to see the lakers (: Dying a slow (19years) and painful death definitely has its perks !

I love my dog. He's the best. Understanding I can't walk him when I'm sick. I finally had to sign a controlled substances form since I am just being treated for pain, like an elderly cancerous person. The beginning to the end. I don;t want to be a debbie downer but I've been doing research and if you have Chronic Pancreatitis you have about 25 years from your first attack. Most people have their first in their mid 40s. I was 14. I am perfectly okay with this, as long as by that point I don't have any children or anything to live for, meaning children. It's quality, not quantity. Which is why I am reckless and live everyday like it's my last, but I do take time out of my day to take my meds to preserve my pancreas and vitamins incase I do have a child someday that needs me around as long as possible. I guess there's a method to my madness. As long as I'm a better mom than my 'mom' was. Otherwise my illness could be a blessing. As it already is.

Work tomorrow. Kinda fucked. No snow tires and I suck at chains. It'll be an experience.

Can't I just be a snowboard photographer already? I mean if diabetes takes 12 years off your life, and pancreatits 25, then I'm living in dog years, and should have achieved my goal by now. yadidididimean?

ewdfss

I haven't had soda for 2 days. This must be what hell is like.

My new job involves me sitting at the top of the mountain for about 8 hours. In the cold. Weighing 110 has its cons.

I hope I can make this work.

I hate my digestive system. ew.

:D

fdgadf

hospital finally set me free. probably the most frustrating hospital stay I've ever had. They decided to treat my pain rather than put me on a feeding tube because I will have Pancreatits my entire, short life and I need a way to help me manage the pain. currently that includeds four pain killers and some other stuff. I like this route better.

I start work tomorrow! I really hope I don't fuck this up my sleeping in or something. I'm so scared I'm probably not going to sleep, the second night in a row.

"she's on the dilaudid plan, no morphine for her" :D