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i feel like dying.

this weekend was the most fun I have had in forever.

I learned I will die by the time I'm 40. I'm okay with this.

mer

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Going to escape one last time before diving into the real world of all work and no play. At least no play compared to this.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

drained

over it. over Utah for now, but i don't want to go home. I need a change, and a big life changing one. I know I say this every week, but fuck. I need to experience something I've never experienced before. I thought moving here would do it, or satistisfy me in that way, and it has, and I know I need to give it more time but I'm becoming impatient. I've done it all, except for one major thing most people my age have been through, but for some reason I still don't think I'd want that. I'm dying, I've experimented with everything under the sun, seen everything I've wanted to see, met way too many amazing people, but something's missing. Wow, I have a vadge. Maybe it's just friends I need to share stuff or life with, or it could just be a single person. I don't fucking know anymore.

But, in other news, I am so happy Mimi is here, Wu Thanksgiving was awesome, and my memory from the other night is slowly coming back to me, Thank you Hondo and Terence, even though you don't read this.

I went tubing today with Mimi for opening day, so much fun! I want to go again. Even though I swore off raves, I have also sworn off swearing things off so Mimi and I are going to go to Dreamland 4, for studying purposes of all shapes and sizes. DJ studying, scientific studies...I mean I want to see what it's like here, out of curiosity. I think it will make me feel better and a little less LA/Omahr sick. And what better person to go with than MEEEEEMS. We went to EDC 2008 together, just us, no one to meet up with, and it is still, to this day, the best night of my life. Round 2 perhaps? But with shitty music? yeee.

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went to work last night really fucked up. on accident. but studies show I take more photos while legally on the strongest painkiller and xanax. or it could have been cause my hair was down. There were a few groups of people that wouldn't take a photo unless I was in one with them. (:

The sound guy that took me to find my debit card also let me meet the team cause we were on the court. I liked it because it was like being around 15 Vinny's. Too bad the Jazz are not the Lakers. But anyways I got my hello kitty card back, I mean, who would want to steal that anyways? Only I can pull that one off.

I hate basketball, still. But I really like my job. Basically getting paid to be my obnoxious self.

My only friend at work has never skied or snowboarded. I don't know why we're friends. Oh and I made friends with the snocone kid. Good call on my part...He gets free photos, I get free snocones. I got the better end of the deal.

I. Like. This.

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why can't everyone just be nice? All you prove when you don't answer someone is that you're an asshole. I really don't see what's so hard about being nice and taking two seconds out of your life to be neutral. Don't be TC. I didn't do anything but be nice to you. Doesn't mean I want to be your friend or anything, I was just being nice. K I'm done.

I'm over trying to play hard to get when it comes to anything. I'm nice, and I'll be honest. Just ask the right questions.

mer

dilaudid, 15 dollars. hospital stay 1,000 dollars. cab ride home, 10 dollars. Going to work on legal heroin: priceless.

So I guess my 'case' is going to be presented and someone is going to hopefully study me. Because who wants to insure a 20 year old diabetic with chronic pancreatitis and an all around shitty digestive system? They also told me I have a huge case against the creators of Accutane and 6 of my previous doctors. I'm torn, even though they were in the wrong I don't want to start shit, even if it can win me millions of dollars. Or at least cover my health care forever, which is millions of dollars. Maybe I'll dabble and go see a lawyer about it..

but in all seriousness, fuck you pancreas.

i'm kind of excited for work tonight? getting paid to be obnoxious while looking obnoxious while feeling obnoxious while smelling obnoxious and probably tasting obnoxious is kind of fun. Oh, and I have friends. yee. and maybe they've found my credit card.

I miss my brother<3(s)

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So I guess my Pancreatitis is getting really bad again. I don't think I'll be able to avoid the feeding tube, but fucking...dare to dream. ha

My Grandma is right, I am going to die like Heath Ledger.

It's weird how one person can influence your life so much, and have no idea they are doing it. Even if you stop talking to that person they are still in the back of your mind, and you are still hoping to please them. You build a relationship with them in your head, to make you feel closer without realizing you're doing it. This makes me sound creepy, but I feel as though we've all done it.

I thought I was over this one kid, but I am not. :/ I'm pretty confident in the fact that I'm not needy or come on too strong though. I might do the opposite and play a little too hard to get and it's been bothering me for a while now, I don't know what to do. There is too much on the line. One day at a time. For everything, because I am currently dying again and I guess don't really have time for 'affairs of the heart' as much as I wish I did. Oh well, I've gotta get through this on my own. So I guess I don't really have time. Pancreatitis saves me from mental stress, but i'd rather be healthy and emo. unless I am happy and emo then I want pancreatitis to give me an excuse and it's easy to be un emo.

and my life be like.

fdsfas

Raver t's, khaki pants that claim size 0 but are definitely size not 0 and way too big, black shoes and a nikon. I've hit rock bottom.

I did however make friends :D May have accidentally done something bad, but self sabotage is more me than anything else. So, I was just being me? And I did attract the sole raver in Utah. I must have a super PLUR vibe or something.

Lost my debit card that that one medication it'd rather not say on this. But basically, I'm so preggers.

I woke up before 1:30 today !

I guess last night wasn't that bad, at all. It's the repercussions I'm looking forward to.

Mimi comes in 4 days ! I'm so excited :D

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I never thought a cuddle could make me so emo.

Fuck. This. I. Like. This.

First day shooting at the Jazz games, pretty fun. I need to take more photos though. Work on my approach. I think I can do this.

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As much as I feel stupid doing this whole blog thing, It really helps me vent in some sort of way. I'm thinking of being a typical girl and starting a real journal, and I really think I will. But on the other hand, I have nothing to hide and the fact that people might come across this incredibly boring blog is kind of cool.

status : barred. Notice change in post when I am not ADD-ing

I will always need xanax, but my new doctor (whom I love, I haven't loved any of my doctors this much, she's awesome) is trying to put me on a new anti anxiety medication which I am open to, but on the other hand I will always have performance anxiety and diabetes and each make the other worse, so I would like to have it as a back up, but for ADD purposes I'll give this new stuff a shot. I shouldn't have to go through physical with drawls. I never realized how large of a part performance anxiety has played in my life, and xanax is the one thing I have found that has helped me in all aspects of my life. I don't feel like it makes me a different person, but it does help me bring who I really am to the table. I'd rather have help with a mind altering drug than stay in my hole my entire life. People argue that you shouldn't take that stuff, but I also believe it is prescribed for a reason. Please don't judge me for this, I have a past I would rather not talk about and I have seen a dramatic change in myself since it has been prescribed. I wouldn't have gotten my internship, made friends, or be able to be brutally honest with people, basically it has helped me bring my inner self out, a side of me I have always wanted to share with the world but had always been too afraid. I guess I have had this anxiety since around the age of nine and figuring out that it has caused so many trips to the hospital was nice. It was nice to have fucking answers for a change.

Speaking of, I have been doing research online about Pancreatitis. There is not a lot know about this disease (I have been told it is the most painful gasteroneorlogical disease out there) and no treatment besides starving yourself for 5-7 days until it cools off/ stops digesting itself. I have decided to stop drinking for a few years with the exception of my birthday and probably a few beers here and there but not how I used to. At all. Because 6 doctors have told me I have had the worst case they have ever seen, I have been looking into seeing if I can find a doctor who would be willing to study me in a sense, because It was rare to have it starting at 14, to last this long, and have diabetes because of it. After some reading, studies on this are hard to find because it's so rare, I found that since my first attack I probably will only live to be alot 45-50. I am fine with that, I would just really like to help other people that are cursed with this and I know for sure I will have my body donated when I do die, but I want to do something while I am still alive, considering I can't donate a kidney or part of my liver to save someone else. Which is why I am going to start contacting Doctors to see if they are interesting in helping me out, for the sake of science. I am willing to be a guiennea pig if it could potentially save others.

The other night I talked to an aquaintence of mine who has been through a lot of shit as well. It's amazing on how much shit like this happening to you changes you so much. I don't feel like I know anymore about life than the next person, but I guess there's a special sort of bond when you've been through things like this, especially at a young age, like we are. We have a different outlook on life than a lot of people (and I am in no way saying I am better or more knowledgeable about life or more righteous) and basically it was nice having someone who relates.

I'm glad I'm sick. I would never wish it upon anyone, but it has made me who I am today and I may not be the most intelligent person in the world, or at all but I do have my priorities straight. Nothing for granted.

that's it, that's all.

i miss my best friend.

but Vinny, it's sad I have to be paid to go to a Laker game...


But yes coffee table books by Meghan. Especially for that game, JBH :D

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today, I went shopping. For khaki pants. ew.

got a job shooting die hard Utah Jazz fans. God, I'm cool.

went to park city to let Rex run wild like his ancestors before him.

went to the grocery store. you want a sugar, baby?

yay it's friday?

wish I was at masquerade.

waiting

for djdj dylan to tell me i can go tonight. Don't think it's gonna happen but I'm ready anyways. I just want to be in his black eyes.

I'm bored. I might want a...job? hmm.

Omahr said Club Bounce will throw me a birthday party. Let's do this.

I like that video ^^

I'm full

I have ADD and will be medicated tomorrow.

I'm tired.

i can wait one more hour.

I want my raver kid glasses back. They should fix themselves.

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Okay so, don't tell me how to treat someone else who is sick. I have been really sick for the last 6 years of my life and I know I hate to be tip toed around and felt sorry for. Don't make me feel like shit because I am trying to make light of the situation. Chances are they could use a break from you feeling sorry for them. I downplay my disease(s) a lot because I don't want to be felt sorry for and I hate having a room go silent after telling the truth. I'd rather everyone be oblivious to my situation than to let on to what;s really going on. Yes, I get he was very sick this summer, but he was also my best friend for a good chunk of my life and that is what we bonded over, being sick. Unless he has become an attention whore and wants you guys to feel sorry for him and is not the kid I used to know then go at it. eat meeeee !

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my stomach started to hurt again today, so I haven't done anything but kinda walk Rex twice. And eat pain meds.

I like laffy taffy. and Mucho Mango.

Super content right now. I'm excited for Mimi to come.

I'm thinking about shooting strictly in film this season. I need to find people that want glamour shots by Meghan, while on shred sticks, but until then I just want to use film if people let me tag along. Wow I look and assume way too far into the future. No expectations starting riiiight NEOW.

I really like it here. I'm glad Rex is here. I miss MacK though.

I really need to make this work, I am afraid of failure and success. No more self sabotage. I hope.

I broke my glasses, therefore I am blind. And somehow need to get them fixed soon so I can have my second set of eyes.

I hope I'm not annoying, I know it's annoying to think you're annoying though.

It's hard for me to not be overly nice and get taken advantage of. I am just being myself, but myself comes off as overly desperate, weather it be for friends or attention from the opposite sex. I'm just nice. Don't walk on me. I've gotten better, but when it comes down to it, I will pick you up at the bar in the middle of the night even if you just want to go home, because I hate being anywhere and just wanting to go home. Worst feeling. Doesn't matter if I've known you for 20 years or two days. k? k.

:D

kljlk

it snowed today! Rex was really excited!

I'm finally eating again after my Pancreatitis attack.

It's cold and my landlordess' husband is putting stuff in my house so I am at the coffee place, and freezing.

Hondo fixed my bindings today, I have been snowboarding pigeon toed for a few years on my retro Ride board.

Looked at goggles.

Took some pictures in the cemetery, now I think I'm gonna go home. Hopefully they're done.

itch itch itch itch make me rich.

so itchy. benedryl is not helping. I'm still so glad I can stay at home and treat this. I love Rex he makes everything better. k I'll quit my bitching. all this stuff is giving me the weirdest dreams. mer.

help I'm alive

scratch that last post. or not. I'm gonna keep it cause I kind of like looking back on these things after a year. my xanga was the shit, because it was like a journal I kept when I was dying, and people liked it. And I liked looking back on it. I just don't think I can anymore, i'll try.

So I'm going to pretend like I'm a dying 16 year old again, and continue on.

My Pancreatitis has returned after 4 years. Basically that means my body is digesting itself. Right now, I should be in the hospital, by myself, in a city where my only friend is gone for a month. I refused to be admitted the other night because I do not want to leave my dog alone or impose that on my neighbors, whose phone numbers I did not have at the time. When I returned my neighbor, who I had only hung out with once has let my dog out and fed him. I guess it doesn't hurt that she has also been cursed with this disease and knows the all the pain that comes along with it. But I have had about 14-17 attacks and know what to do, so I requested the doctor write me perscriptions for everything and I have been following up by going to get blood work done to check my enzyme levels. Thank God I still have insurance for three more weeks. Kind of fucked after that, but not. The doctor I started seeing here is getting my history from every doctor I've ever seen and has agreed to refill everything for me, from my insulin to my xanax, and if I have another attack help me out with that so I won't have to go to the hospital uninsured. Sure, I'll still have to pay for her visits, but that's 4 doctors in one. I just have to sign a paper stating I won't 'doctor shop' for my class two medications. Not a problem. I can't drink for a very very long time, I waited 6 weeks after my last attack, but this attack was from drinking, so I think I'm going to take 2 years off again, with the exception of My 21st, and my good friends' birthdays. Just don't take advantage of me and have me DD you, because there are other ways to get fucked up.

Back to happy :D

I went to Jump on it last night and it was really fun ! Most fun I've had since I've been here. even though I kind of just sat, considering I was doped up on legal heroin. (I know have a spectrum of pain medication, one of them being dilaudid)And I really shouldn't have gone, but it was worth it (:

Mimi comes in two weeks! I think we're going to drive to Jackson Hole to see Big John then back here and find a place to go tubing.

I got my Nick Mullins T today. You don't wanna fight me, in my ex. tra. small. black. t.

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I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have had ugly friend syndrome for my entire like (you know, where out of all your friends, you're the ugliest and by default never get the opposite sexes attention unless your friend has turned them down, basically second choice, or second best) and now that I am on my own and have no one to be compared to I no longer thought this would be an issue. I am not saying I would like a boy friend or anything, but for the first time in my life I think I am ready. I am no longer living with 9 guys and getting more male attention than most girls. Even if it was not in a sexual way, it still made me have no desire to have a boyfriend or be committed to someone because I was always told how much I was loved and appreciated and could hang out with the guys and the need for love and attention from a male my age was never needed, I came home to it every night all through high school, and in college. Now I have moved and think I am grown enough to be in a committed relationship, nothing too serious, even an open relationship. I no longer have 9 unintentional cock-blocks with me at all times. I don't have daddy issues or anything like that but I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me, or at least like an explanation as to why I am not good enough. Sure I have high standards, but really? Do I smell? Do I look like a man? Do I come off as clingy? I can see how I would, but considering no one here knows me that well, I tend to kick into "mommy Meghan" mode if someone is sick or injured or just baked and wants a pizza and potstickers. I'm just a nice person, and if I offer to help someone pay for something, or kick them down lunch that must mean I'M TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU and not just a nice person. Don't flatter yourself, if the guy in front of me at the grocery store is a few bucks short i kick it down to him as well, you are not special. And because of that I get used and walked on and come off as desperate or needy. I am not. fuck. I don't want to be with you every second of every day. I want you to go have fun with your friends. Go to strip clubs. Go on snowboard/skate trips. I want to be second to your passion. And for the first time ever, I really think I was led on, and it was not being built up in my head, like I have done in the past. It could be karma for everything I have done to guys with my so called 'penis mentality' but really? Don't complain to me about being played if you're the one playing people. I was not clingy. I was not needy. I just wanted a friend, which I still want. I understand I'm not the prettiest person alive, or the most interesting, and don't have the best past. I just wish everyone could be honest when it comes to this kind of stuff. We're too old to be playing games. I feel like a whiny bitch, this was(n't) directed to anyone in particular, I just need to get it off my chest. fuck.

and even though posting this on a blog makes me look like a psychotic bitch, I realize it does, therefore I am not.

steez machine <3

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if my life is mine what shouldn't I do
i get wherever I'm going, I get whatever I need


...help i'm alive.

brave new world.

jkjkl

So I'm moved. I just don't have internet or TV, or friends so the highlight of my days has been walking my dog. I don't want to be too pushy when it comes to the friend thing. I can wait. For now I'll just pretend to have fun all by myself :D. I want it to snow already, I want a friend or a something more, but I am no more lonely here than I was in Laguna so i have broken even, and I realllllly like it here.

HARD was awesome. So much better than I thought it would be. I miss Mimi and Omahr so much. And my broder. But I am excited to be living here by myself and slowly figuring out the benefits of living alone...
you can cook naked
drink out of the milk/juice/everything carton
pee with the door open
leave the dishes in the sink for as long as you want
make messes
but mostly cooking in my underwear is fun.

k I have to pee. and go home. and get hella hyphy. and hang out with the 7-11 dude.